Skip to main content

I am alive but I've been mostly dead

ph&editing by me
I've been telling myself once , I've been telling myself twice , I've been telling myself a thousand fucking times -That I'll be okay and I'll be fine there soon just need some adjustment in  NEW place  .Frankly - I'm not ready at all .I'm still wondering if I be there ,then  what if.. someone hates me , what if.. someone don't want friends with me .. what if someone sabotage me ..what if I'm fail the exam .You know right Matrix  first rules.   Only me , NEW place .Despair of loneliness . No one will  support me .


PELAJAR hendaklah menunjukkan dan mencapai kejayaan yang memuaskan dalam khususnya : Pelajar yang gagal dalam peperiksaan atau tidak memperoleh syarat minimum yang ditetapkan akan diberhentikan daripada pengajian .


Which means if I FAIL I'll kick out from Matrix and my future will be end of this world . I've trying to be more positive  think positively but still it just not work at  this moment .

Rewind about my past how being  a new student in NEW school . I move in Kuala Lumpur from Johor Baharu .I've learned enough how to be a new person in new place . It's not what I'm expected , I don't have a friend well people may seen from outer I've a LOT of friends but did they see how they treated  me ? .  Friends -YES, best friends -NOT AT ALL., backstabber -YUP.  Well I've trying to change myself to be part of them . Trying keep the latest celebrities  gossip so I can join their conversation . Act like them .Make joke like them . But did they see the changes ? .Well NO.

My little sister told me , theirs being used  friend with hidden intention . But what?. I'm not popular  at all . I'm not rich at all. I'm not intelligent at all . Then the time keep running  then 'keboom' I knew they need me when they  are indeed.Sometime I've been walk alone at back from far   watch them  walking side by side, laughing each other and changing the stories . Sometimes I wish I could be part of them , but I knew I'ma  new here. I don't want people labeling me as a 'PERAMPAS' so I keep avoiding to be too close with them even I'm trying to find a new friend , well I have but I'm the dumbest person who let her go .

Then I knew some this person well I guess she can replace my oldest friend , but when I know her more and more . She just be a BACKSTABBER and TWO FACES . Everyone likes her, so do I at the first place .But you not really know her as I do . Because of her I'm changing a lot, trying to be more INDEPENDENT , more BRAVER , be  MATURE ,  not EASILY trust someone maybe she is beautiful outside but inner ? no one knows..  Even she have try to knock me down MANY TIME but still, I'm standing here show who real I am. Well, yes maybe I've cried a LOT , only my mum, pages of my  dairy and bantal busuk the witness of my tears. Then I knew it just a waste a time crying for a person who are not deserved to be.

This is the lesson I've learned . This is the reasons why I'm afraid to be new person . I hope something miracle  will happen soon .

I never regret what already happened . Now I know,, I've to be more stronger and more resolute .

Comments

  1. yes. be an independent girl, confident, brave, and for sure, the strongest YOU. don't think too much on what they will respond, but try to get along with them. selagi tak melampaui batas and syarak:) pray pray and pray, that you will get a real friend, that really care about you, n bring you to jannah ;D smile dear didy <3

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Homesick-2

Olass and still Sunday , another post . Okay my previous post 'homesick-1' , woaa i'm not expected ramai yang tertarik baca woaa great I've got  a few comments and some encouragement woaa that's really great , yeah shared what I know, thanks readers and followers . A million thanked . So today my post still about my preparation huwaa *wipe my tears. So yesterday, shopping day! yeah. Location? of course laa Kuala Lumpur , kenapa tak Putrajaya? umm tak banyak pilihan sangat then Alamanda je tempat shopping arhh tak best . So apa i beli haha from tip of  my hair to my tip toe everything!, . Yeah baby ! thanks mum spent your money for me , I'm touched . A few tudung , then a few  baju kemaja  , cadar and last one shoe! Haha nak tgk ? cute isn't  ?  This is my second flat shoes, first one chocolate. Actually this year i  baru berminat nak pakai flat shoes , selama ney high heels so  baru sikit je shoes i . Guess what size this shoes? Yes rig...

Singapore & Malacca

Assalamualikum and Hello.  So today, I want to share my ‘short vacation’ to 4 states  and one country in a week for my semester break for this semester break. I hope you guys enjoy and may help you in planning the trip based on this entry whoever want to plan to go to Singapore which is USS (Universal Studio Singapore) and Malacca. I try my best to explain it more details. Here we go--- My travel partner for this semester break is my cousin who just finished her study in India as a Doctor (wuuuu~~~). So we plan to travel to Singapore which is only focused on USS. USS is been my dream since I was 13 years old and everyone dreams too right? And Malacca, which is in Malaysia because she (my cousins) never been there and the last time I went Malacca when I was standard six which is a school trip, so I say ‘ yeah why not?’  So the journey began. Trip to Singapore. So for the trip to USS we use a travel package by @pakejpelanconganmurah you guys can search...

vingt vingt?

Assalamualaikum and peace upon to you, Hi, how’s everything? There is so much I want to write but I don’t know how to begin. How to put all the thought in my head to the words to the qwertyuiop or you called it a keyboard. It is quite hard to summarize one whole year just in a page right but I will try. I don’t know why I still poured all my written here, maybe blog is being something so special for me. When I write I feel I has poured all my feelings thru writing well I love writing. I feel it is part of art which is it started with alphabets into words, then into feelings do you get it? No right? Okay, enough with this crap. Oh man I miss writing so bad finally my fingers are dancing on the keyboard. Bismillah here we go~ I cannot lie this year, especially 2020 has been a really surprising year for all. You never thought right what 2020 will serve you until this end but one thing for sure. Pat your back because you did it you go thru so well. Congrats! So my early year starts...