I am alive but I've been mostly dead
Wednesday, 23 May 2012 @ 21:27
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| ph&editing by me |
I've been telling myself once , I've been telling myself twice , I've been telling myself a thousand fucking times -That I'll be okay and I'll be fine there soon just need some adjustment in NEW place .Frankly - I'm not ready at all .I'm still wondering if I be there ,then what if.. someone hates me , what if.. someone don't want friends with me .. what if someone sabotage me ..what if I'm fail the exam .You know right Matrix first rules. Only me , NEW place .Despair of loneliness . No one will support me .
PELAJAR hendaklah menunjukkan dan mencapai kejayaan yang memuaskan dalam khususnya : Pelajar yang gagal dalam peperiksaan atau tidak memperoleh syarat minimum yang ditetapkan akan diberhentikan daripada pengajian .
Which means if I FAIL I'll kick out from Matrix and my future will be end of this world . I've trying to be more positive think positively but still it just not work at this moment .
Rewind about my past how being a new student in NEW school . I move in Kuala Lumpur from Johor Baharu .I've learned enough how to be a new person in new place . It's not what I'm expected , I don't have a friend well people may seen from outer I've a LOT of friends but did they see how they treated me ? . Friends -YES, best friends -NOT AT ALL., backstabber -YUP. Well I've trying to change myself to be part of them . Trying keep the latest celebrities gossip so I can join their conversation . Act like them .Make joke like them . But did they see the changes ? .Well NO.
My little sister told me , theirs being used friend with hidden intention . But what?. I'm not popular at all . I'm not rich at all. I'm not intelligent at all . Then the time keep running then 'keboom' I knew they need me when they are indeed.Sometime I've been walk alone at back from far watch them walking side by side, laughing each other and changing the stories . Sometimes I wish I could be part of them , but I knew I'ma new here. I don't want people labeling me as a 'PERAMPAS' so I keep avoiding to be too close with them even I'm trying to find a new friend , well I have but I'm the dumbest person who let her go .
Then I knew some this person well I guess she can replace my oldest friend , but when I know her more and more . She just be a BACKSTABBER and TWO FACES . Everyone likes her, so do I at the first place .But you not really know her as I do . Because of her I'm changing a lot, trying to be more INDEPENDENT , more BRAVER , be MATURE , not EASILY trust someone maybe she is beautiful outside but inner ? no one knows.. Even she have try to knock me down MANY TIME but still, I'm standing here show who real I am. Well, yes maybe I've cried a LOT , only my mum, pages of my dairy and bantal busuk the witness of my tears. Then I knew it just a waste a time crying for a person who are not deserved to be.
This is the lesson I've learned . This is the reasons why I'm afraid to be new person . I hope something miracle will happen soon .
I never regret what already happened . Now I know,, I've to be more stronger and more resolute .
I am alive but I've been mostly dead
Wednesday, 23 May 2012 @ 21:27
|
| ph&editing by me |
I've been telling myself once , I've been telling myself twice , I've been telling myself a thousand fucking times -That I'll be okay and I'll be fine there soon just need some adjustment in NEW place .Frankly - I'm not ready at all .I'm still wondering if I be there ,then what if.. someone hates me , what if.. someone don't want friends with me .. what if someone sabotage me ..what if I'm fail the exam .You know right Matrix first rules. Only me , NEW place .Despair of loneliness . No one will support me .
PELAJAR hendaklah menunjukkan dan mencapai kejayaan yang memuaskan dalam khususnya : Pelajar yang gagal dalam peperiksaan atau tidak memperoleh syarat minimum yang ditetapkan akan diberhentikan daripada pengajian .
Which means if I FAIL I'll kick out from Matrix and my future will be end of this world . I've trying to be more positive think positively but still it just not work at this moment .
Rewind about my past how being a new student in NEW school . I move in Kuala Lumpur from Johor Baharu .I've learned enough how to be a new person in new place . It's not what I'm expected , I don't have a friend well people may seen from outer I've a LOT of friends but did they see how they treated me ? . Friends -YES, best friends -NOT AT ALL., backstabber -YUP. Well I've trying to change myself to be part of them . Trying keep the latest celebrities gossip so I can join their conversation . Act like them .Make joke like them . But did they see the changes ? .Well NO.
My little sister told me , theirs being used friend with hidden intention . But what?. I'm not popular at all . I'm not rich at all. I'm not intelligent at all . Then the time keep running then 'keboom' I knew they need me when they are indeed.Sometime I've been walk alone at back from far watch them walking side by side, laughing each other and changing the stories . Sometimes I wish I could be part of them , but I knew I'ma new here. I don't want people labeling me as a 'PERAMPAS' so I keep avoiding to be too close with them even I'm trying to find a new friend , well I have but I'm the dumbest person who let her go .
Then I knew some this person well I guess she can replace my oldest friend , but when I know her more and more . She just be a BACKSTABBER and TWO FACES . Everyone likes her, so do I at the first place .But you not really know her as I do . Because of her I'm changing a lot, trying to be more INDEPENDENT , more BRAVER , be MATURE , not EASILY trust someone maybe she is beautiful outside but inner ? no one knows.. Even she have try to knock me down MANY TIME but still, I'm standing here show who real I am. Well, yes maybe I've cried a LOT , only my mum, pages of my dairy and bantal busuk the witness of my tears. Then I knew it just a waste a time crying for a person who are not deserved to be.
This is the lesson I've learned . This is the reasons why I'm afraid to be new person . I hope something miracle will happen soon .
I never regret what already happened . Now I know,, I've to be more stronger and more resolute .
