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I am alive but I've been mostly dead

ph&editing by me
I've been telling myself once , I've been telling myself twice , I've been telling myself a thousand fucking times -That I'll be okay and I'll be fine there soon just need some adjustment in  NEW place  .Frankly - I'm not ready at all .I'm still wondering if I be there ,then  what if.. someone hates me , what if.. someone don't want friends with me .. what if someone sabotage me ..what if I'm fail the exam .You know right Matrix  first rules.   Only me , NEW place .Despair of loneliness . No one will  support me .

PELAJAR hendaklah menunjukkan dan mencapai kejayaan yang memuaskan dalam khususnya : Pelajar yang gagal dalam peperiksaan atau tidak memperoleh syarat minimum yang ditetapkan akan diberhentikan daripada pengajian .

Which means if I FAIL I'll kick out from Matrix and my future will be end of this world . I've trying to be more positive  think positively but still it just not work at  this moment .

Rewind about my past how being  a new student in NEW school . I move in Kuala Lumpur from Johor Baharu .I've learned enough how to be a new person in new place . It's not what I'm expected , I don't have a friend well people may seen from outer I've a LOT of friends but did they see how they treated  me ? .  Friends -YES, best friends -NOT AT ALL., backstabber -YUP.  Well I've trying to change myself to be part of them . Trying keep the latest celebrities  gossip so I can join their conversation . Act like them .Make joke like them . But did they see the changes ? .Well NO.

My little sister told me , theirs being used  friend with hidden intention . But what?. I'm not popular  at all . I'm not rich at all. I'm not intelligent at all . Then the time keep running  then 'keboom' I knew they need me when they  are indeed.Sometime I've been walk alone at back from far   watch them  walking side by side, laughing each other and changing the stories . Sometimes I wish I could be part of them , but I knew I'ma  new here. I don't want people labeling me as a 'PERAMPAS' so I keep avoiding to be too close with them even I'm trying to find a new friend , well I have but I'm the dumbest person who let her go .

Then I knew some this person well I guess she can replace my oldest friend , but when I know her more and more . She just be a BACKSTABBER and TWO FACES . Everyone likes her, so do I at the first place .But you not really know her as I do . Because of her I'm changing a lot, trying to be more INDEPENDENT , more BRAVER , be  MATURE ,  not EASILY trust someone maybe she is beautiful outside but inner ? no one knows..  Even she have try to knock me down MANY TIME but still, I'm standing here show who real I am. Well, yes maybe I've cried a LOT , only my mum, pages of my  dairy and bantal busuk the witness of my tears. Then I knew it just a waste a time crying for a person who are not deserved to be.

This is the lesson I've learned . This is the reasons why I'm afraid to be new person . I hope something miracle  will happen soon .

I never regret what already happened . Now I know,, I've to be more stronger and more resolute .


  1. yes. be an independent girl, confident, brave, and for sure, the strongest YOU. don't think too much on what they will respond, but try to get along with them. selagi tak melampaui batas and syarak:) pray pray and pray, that you will get a real friend, that really care about you, n bring you to jannah ;D smile dear didy <3


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