I am alive but I've been mostly dead
Wednesday, 23 May 2012 @ 21:27


ph&editing by me
I've been telling myself once , I've been telling myself twice , I've been telling myself a thousand fucking times -That I'll be okay and I'll be fine there soon just need some adjustment in  NEW place  .Frankly - I'm not ready at all .I'm still wondering if I be there ,then  what if.. someone hates me , what if.. someone don't want friends with me .. what if someone sabotage me ..what if I'm fail the exam .You know right Matrix  first rules.   Only me , NEW place .Despair of loneliness . No one will  support me .


PELAJAR hendaklah menunjukkan dan mencapai kejayaan yang memuaskan dalam khususnya : Pelajar yang gagal dalam peperiksaan atau tidak memperoleh syarat minimum yang ditetapkan akan diberhentikan daripada pengajian .


Which means if I FAIL I'll kick out from Matrix and my future will be end of this world . I've trying to be more positive  think positively but still it just not work at  this moment .

Rewind about my past how being  a new student in NEW school . I move in Kuala Lumpur from Johor Baharu .I've learned enough how to be a new person in new place . It's not what I'm expected , I don't have a friend well people may seen from outer I've a LOT of friends but did they see how they treated  me ? .  Friends -YES, best friends -NOT AT ALL., backstabber -YUP.  Well I've trying to change myself to be part of them . Trying keep the latest celebrities  gossip so I can join their conversation . Act like them .Make joke like them . But did they see the changes ? .Well NO.

My little sister told me , theirs being used  friend with hidden intention . But what?. I'm not popular  at all . I'm not rich at all. I'm not intelligent at all . Then the time keep running  then 'keboom' I knew they need me when they  are indeed.Sometime I've been walk alone at back from far   watch them  walking side by side, laughing each other and changing the stories . Sometimes I wish I could be part of them , but I knew I'ma  new here. I don't want people labeling me as a 'PERAMPAS' so I keep avoiding to be too close with them even I'm trying to find a new friend , well I have but I'm the dumbest person who let her go .

Then I knew some this person well I guess she can replace my oldest friend , but when I know her more and more . She just be a BACKSTABBER and TWO FACES . Everyone likes her, so do I at the first place .But you not really know her as I do . Because of her I'm changing a lot, trying to be more INDEPENDENT , more BRAVER , be  MATURE ,  not EASILY trust someone maybe she is beautiful outside but inner ? no one knows..  Even she have try to knock me down MANY TIME but still, I'm standing here show who real I am. Well, yes maybe I've cried a LOT , only my mum, pages of my  dairy and bantal busuk the witness of my tears. Then I knew it just a waste a time crying for a person who are not deserved to be.

This is the lesson I've learned . This is the reasons why I'm afraid to be new person . I hope something miracle  will happen soon .

I never regret what already happened . Now I know,, I've to be more stronger and more resolute .