LITTLE D

I don't know why lately I feels     low-esteem with myself  . I  just don't know .  Almost everyday I asked my mom ,  ' why I am so hideous ?'  Then my mom will said ' God already created like that , you should be grateful , what if you don't have nose ?'  A long pause there ----- When some people said 'hey , you already beautiful la , or  some may said 'hey . you cute what  and  I was thinking it was a lie  totally a liars I don't know why I always reflect my self some  big and ugly monster sometimes  Yeah to describe how  hideous  I am Then ,  when I am struggle with my own conflict  I don't realize the real me its getting faded  I mean  How to content me with others Until today when my friend said 'why you being so silent ? it makes me feel awkward?' Is that what people see? What people feels ? About me  ...

Sometimes I can't understand what or who I am . Lately 'we' figure out something well as you know next year I will become 20 years old , what tween-ty ahh no more 'belas-belas' is already 'puluh-puluh ' . Sound old dude . It's remind me of my childhood when I was a child I always woke up in morning said ' Kan best besar boleh beli ini tu lagi-lagi barbie perhh nak full set ' - now I know how demand I was . Now , I woke up ' Kan best kecik asyik  main je ' - now I know how being adult . Well life must go on right. The only thing bothering us everyday yeah everyday is about  ' jodoh ' , well 4 of us still single . Actually I don't mind be single .  Freedom  . I do happy with my life  no boys cool beb . But you can't  run thinking about future I mean a guy will lead you , own a family , your child running around the baby crying ahh to be a wife and a mother . Gotta it ? Jodoh itu rahsia Allah- yeah I know that but w...

I do have a great time with them . This is 'our' first time run out from our prison to visit other place , well farthest near the town, see  just holed up in the  Sintok woods . How sad . So yesterday we went to Kuala Perlis with the tallest akk fakirah as the driver and the tourist guide akk ida . Here we go . First destination . Kuala Perlis .  Seriously this thing ' sotong goreng tepung ' superbb . Sedap sangat , ini pun order untuk dua orang see banyak sangat . I do love this picture , model - akk ida . Actually akk ida want to invite us to see the sunset, but the weather is  covered by mist. But is okay we do feel very fun to eat . Yummy . So pretty . Then we perform our Magrib at 'masjid terapung ' . Subahan' allah , I do admire this masjid . By the way ignore my face yeah . When the wind blow to the face I feels I can fly waaahh . I do love zephyr . I wish I can go there again its so beautiful . Next location ,...

I skip class today . So bored in class , when your foreigner lecturer try to speak in malay and you was like haaaa whaaatt you know you like deaf people and your mouth open try to catch up his words  , well yeah is good for him learn our language but for me it was D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R , I am who will sit in examination   . Now I can imagine how my grades  will be , ahhhh . Yeah little D bad girl now but best apa ponteng kelas . I have an intention to do it again la . So November , is quite busy for me , do that do this. This is my first time become committee members  in an islamic program . The program called 'MAN ANA' siapa saya . Is quite interesting,  I experience that I can learn and how do I handle program, well is quite tiring but it was great . By the way is religious program so that we can improve the knowledge about religion, it's very exciting to be learned. two boom - my cheek , how worst . Ugly me and my roommate . First time , jadi AJK ...

Have you ever feel you want to be him/ her . I mean  want to be in him/her shoes .  Looks so perfect whatever you want you will get with just finger picking .  Then , when boys/girls passing by looking at you just a first glance and not making the second thought .  Then , no worries any quiz or exam because you actually incredible intelligent .  Have you? Same goes me .  I don't know why suddenly I write it , maybe I motivate myself .  But , this is human nature .  Actually without we  thought that up people who want to be like us . They see us .  Yeah human cycle . We never feels satisfied with our self . Life like a shoes   Looks pretty / smart outside  Try you to wear it Big or Small Try to walk it Loose or  Hurt Then you will know This is my life and Why I Am I  We have different size and different test . God has given us the exact size and fit for us. Our job is to wea...

Finally it's mid-sem break but seriously is not feels like a mid-sem it feels a mid-sem assignment . I had thought to take a break from studying but again after answering statistic paper like a bullshit . Yeah I just don't want to talk about that,  because of  this paper I've skip my statistics class  , yeah lazy to get off from the bed in early that morning then seeing your lecturer face like your seeing  the  answer sheets will get zero . Maybe I am a person so easily get depresses , maybe perhaps ? I dunno . Sometimes we not depress on the work we should done but, the person who we should face it right? Yeah , I know not everyone can follow our pace and not all of us can follow he/her pace. We are born with differences and differences of character. Some said  that the differences can be close friends and some said friend can be triggered when there is a similarity. Gota it? I personally do not know whether I am guilty or not but  if ...

Time passes so quickly. It's time I returned to sintokoyo, tomorrow morning. Goodbye home Yesterday , I do have a really great time with my roommate and my course  mate . I wish Farah can join us  it will be more fun .So yesterday we gathered at KL central. I'm from Putrajaya while those in KL. This is the first time we went out together in the KL area and we do have fun time . Let's hang out again someday . Okay , let me tell a bit about them, know where you deign to make future wife? okay jokes. This akak Yas, why akak ? her  age  is 20, but she does look like 20 right ? Maybe she is too small , yeah I am fat .  STPM leavers in  accountants course . Fantastic. Ever she  given a bid to continue her studies in accountants at Australia  but she rejected the offer because delayed until after she was in sintokoyo. Maybe in sintokoyo is akak sustenance.I am happy to get to know you. She was also one of the reasons we like to bully her, becaus...

I thank God this was the first time back to Putrajaya after nearly 6 weeks in Sintok, only God knows the joy of coming home to me, feels like being in heaven. You know how right at home, all things well feel comfortable. So, how Sintok. Okay la life was not the same at the University like first life in  matriculation . Different circumstances, different people different attitude but even this kind of people I do not care what they say as long as what I do it right and do not harass or inconvenience people for me that's enough.I'm not the kind of people who want to figure out why it did not like me or why people look at me preoccupied. This is me, then keep your mouth shut if you don't know and  stopped evaluate. I just pray that Allah  may further simplify my upcoming plan , and the introduction of friendships here that I just remain standing until the end. It's fun when you get to know some  friend who 'sama kepala ' and stayed in same state but it als...

Life is sometimes unpredictable. I do not know why lately I'm too depressed with myself. My fault? Maybe I'm too far away from Allah may this part of the test. Allah may have planned the way my life better. Allah is the  first used for guided me. When I tell my life story to them, they said I was lucky meditating, when I'm alone and reflect upon myself, do I able to maintain this guidance? Too many trials, I almost collapsed. But there is a faith in my heart I will continue to get up and fight, it is not easy to defend something simple collapsing. Let them insult, let them look down. leave. God is all-knowing what is implied. Be patient, O hearts that one day success will come with full meaning.

Kadang-kadang aku tak paham dengan sikap seseorang itu . Kalau nak berkawan mesti tengok family background dia whether from rich family or not . Kalau tak kaya mesti melihat paras rupa cantik ke ta ? . Mungkin ini satu lumrah , Tapi trend kat sini tak macam ni but still they will seeking on something , apa? in courses . Aku tak paham kenapa dorang kalau nak bergaul mesti tengok kepada course seseorang tu  , well yeah not all of them but some , because of this some people mencacatkan pandangan dan pemikiran seseorang kepada seseorang . Gotta it ?  Course kami tak se'gah' nama bangunan kami even our courses in international school but people still look us down , kalau kami sebut apa nama course kami, mereka akan mempamerkan riaksi muka 'ouh course tu je ?' kadang-kadang aku rase macam nak tumbuk terajang je . Nasib aku perempuan . Nasib berbaju kurung . Nasib bertudung . Kalau ta memang aku dah ganyang kau kat situ .  Pernah juga seseorang dari course account...

Perhaps here the fate I know who I am. I never thought that I would be this level. I had hoped to have a life like everyone else or be in their place. They are full of life and  full of happiness. It's time I stop complaining, I have to move forward. Dare I gotta move. I'm very grateful for what I have experienced. I never thought I would spend the night in the forest. I never thought I can fight with them I never thought  I'm brave to fight their challenges. I did not expect. And I'm proud of myself . Farah buat cerita seram lak time ni  Tengah makan mala dekat dewan  terbuka then  Farah : Apa didy?  Me: Apa? Farah : Didy ajak lepas makan ni duduk dalam khemah erk? Me: Ha mana ade Farah : ouh okay , orang belakang kot . Continue her meal  I am looking at Yas and Yas looking at me . Staring each other without knowing the answer .  “Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn...

Who knows it just a doa'  '' Ya Allah betulkan kau pandang aku lagi , Ya Allah betulkah kau sayang aku , Ya Allah jika benar tolong la hamba-mu ini , aku betul-betul nak berubah tapi aku tak tahu macam mana nak mulakan , Amin'' Who knows it just a first step with a heavy heart  'Selamat Datang ke Matrikulasi Pulau Pinang '  Who knows it just a short conversation  Me : Ehh kita satu practicum kan?  Maziah : Ha'a Me: Jom la pergi class sesame, meh la masuk bilik kita Maziah : ouh okay Me : Name sapa erk? lupa laa.. Maziah : Maziah . Who knows it just a discussion group  Afiqah : Nak number boleh , senang nak contact nanti . Me : Alaa , tak ingat la number , jap erk . Name?  Afiqah : Afiqah  Who knows it just sitting position side by side Who knows we become closer and closer  Who knows it gonna be a changes  Me : Wei kau perasan tak ? hewhew Maziah : Perasan Me : Apa-apa ? hehe...